Knife Crime Nuggets #9: Katy Perry slashes soldier to death

A 16-year-old army cadet has been brutally stabbed to death in Liverpool. Katy Perry has been photographed holding a knife (possibly similar to the one used to murder the teenager). You do the math(s).

Knife Crime Nuggets #8 / Dear Dr P-Hall

Dear Dr P-Hall,
I don't know if you've heard but Boris is now looking to geeky Jewish youth movements to tackle the problem of knife crime. Imagine little Hampstead Garden Suburb kids going to inner city schools to talk to kids about putting away their knives. Should be interesting.
JESSICA

Knife Crime Nuggets #7: Free (Swiss army) knives with hooded jackets

By now you'll probably have heard that cheap clobber megastore T.K. Maxx has been selling these (Swiss army) knives with hoodies attached. Or is the other way round? Yeah, I think it is: hoodies with those deadly (Swiss army) knives sewn into the lining. Either way, it's fucking disgraceful. I was so shocked I had to call up Boris Johnson's office to see if I could get the albino labrador lookalike to make some sense of it all. Unfortunately Boris had popped to the shop to get some Jaffa Cakes when I rang, but I managed to speak to his very helpful secretary, Melissa, who was more than willing to answer my questions.

Prancehall: So you can now buy hooded jackets with knives attached?
Melissa: Yeah.

That's pretty fucked up, right?
Yeah.

OK, thanks. Bye.

Knife Crime Nuggets #6: Is Nike actively encouraging knife crime?

You may have heard the news earlier this year that Nike's Air Stab footwear range has been withdrawn from shops in the UK because the media are obsessed with knife crime and anything which can be tenuously linked to knives if heinous and offensive. "Political correctness gone mad" etc. Well, hang on there a second, let's take a look at some more Nike products which may or may not encourage knife crime.



"Shank" sunglasses!? Am I reading this correctly? Sunglasses which can be used as "shanks"!? Oh no! That's disgraceful! Also, if you squint really hard the pointy end of the arm looks a bit like a (slightly blunt) knife.



The "Nike Considered Pocket Knife" trainer!? What a callous and despicably cunning name for a product. Can you see the real message behind the name of these shoes? It's basically telling teenagers: "Have you ever considered carrying a pocket knife in your shoe so you will be able to hide it from the police?" The blurb with the product also tries to disguise the fact it is promoting knife crime by pretending it has some benefits. "The ... Pocket Knife ... reduces solvent [ab]use." Oh, so it stops kids sniffing glue does it? How does it do that? By encouraging all the kids to kill each other so there is no one left to sniff glue? Yeah, thought so.



With this product Nike is pretty much telling people to attack girls. This is sick. They are telling people to hunt down girls and stab them. Nike is brainwashing our nation's innocent youth. Ban this filth. BAN THIS FILTH NOW! BAN IT!!!!!!!! BAAAANNNNN ITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knife Crime Nuggets #5: Burning knife crime literature

Illustration by Johnny Ryan

Britain's biggest exam board, AQA, has removed a Carol Ann Duffy poem from its syllabus because of its (pretty innocuous) allusions to knife crime. The exam board has also instructed schools to "destroy" copies of the anthology containing the poem, entitled Education for Leisure. Yes, that's right, we are now being told to burn books that reference knife crime. Where am I? Nazi Germany?

For the full story go to the Vice blog. Also on the blog this week: Finding criminals using their text message grammar and Amanda Blank's pre-apocalyptic rap video.

Knife Crime Nuggets #4: Brought together by a hatred of knife crime

Word on the street (well, Now magazine) is that Danielle Lloyd has become engaged to DJ Ironik. But that's not the story. The real story here is that the future Mrs Ironik is planning to "meet with council chiefs and school governors in a bid to have metal detectors placed in schools to cut knife crime." Suddenly it's all becoming clear. DJ Ironik, the guy behind "Stay With Me", the "torch song for young people mourning the loss of friends to knife and gun crime", and Danielle Lloyd, the girl who dates Premiership footballers, have obviously been brought together by their hatred of knife crime.

Knife Crime Nuggets #3

David Cameron can't help, Gordon Brown can't help, even Richard Blackwood can't help. So who can help stop this knife crime epidemic that is terrorising our country? Well, one man has decided to single-handedly take on the responsibility of this broken, debilitated society that we live in. And that man is Bombhead from Hollyoaks. Enlisting the help of his gormless mate, the "actor" has penned a touching ditty (above) to inspire teenagers not to stab each other. It's strangely addictive, just like knife crime, in fact.

(Thanks to Tom for sending over the original video.)

Knife Crime Nuggets #2

Thank you to the shady figure called "who is the real dboy" for designing this.

This isn't from a newspaper, but it's too good not to post. A certain very well-known grime MC's cousin stabbed someone recently and three witnesses came forward and identified the attacker to the police as the grime MC (even though it had nothing to do with him). So the MC was arrested and put in jail for a couple of days until he could prove it wasn't him. His mum had to break open the piggy bank under his bed to go and bail him out. (I made up the last sentence, but it is a great story once you realise who the MC is.)

Knife Crime Nuggets #1

Knife Crime Nuggets theme

I've seen loads of great knife crime snippets in the press over the last few months and although the furore seems to have slightly died down, I will now be collecting the best bits I find in a new column called Knife Crime Nuggets. I've even got a theme tune. If someone wants to do me a logo, that would be good. Something involving chicken nuggets would work I think.

The above comes from yesterday's Independent, in which smut lady Tracey Cox reveals, after a quick read of the Daily Mail, she spends the rest of her day cowering in fear at the prospect of all those knife-wielding "hoodies" rampaging on our streets.

I'm presuming she manages to get some respite while she is frantically fondling herself on top of a washing machine.