Wednesday

The best Busta Rhymes, OutKast and Janet Jackson t-shirts you will ever see in your entire life


Stop dressing like a tramp and buy my friend Ted's t-shirts before they're all gone and you're sat at home crying in your Trapstar beanie.

Some blurb:

'Illustrator Ted Pearce launched his Ted's Draws clothing range in 2011 after repeated pleas by friends for him to print his striking caricatures onto T-shirts for them to wear. 

The limited first season run of t-shirts, featuring monochrome portraits of music icons including Raekwon and Prince, sold out within weeks through word of mouth alone. 

His SS '13 collection was stocked in Browns and worn by everyone from Jourdan Dunn to Flatbush Zombies to Jessie Ware.

Over the past few years Ted has also collaborated with a range of established and up-and-coming brands, including Le Coq Sportif and Palace.'

New designs include Busta Rhymes, OutKast and Janet Jackson. All fucking great. Get them now.

The most terrifying music genre the world has ever seen


Colonel Ryszard Kuklinski with Texas A&M cadets

Invented by Ryszard "Crunk King" Kuklinski (the grandson of an infamous Polish Cold War spy of the same name), Crunkczar, which sounds a bit like Polish donk, is a terrifying new genre that makes ravers lose control of their bodies. The drug of choice is a pharmacy technician cocktail of carfentanyl, a downer that's approximately 10,000 times more potent than morphine, and Dexedrine, a powerful amphetamine. (Young fans opt for something slightly less harmful: a mixture of Red Bull and sherbert, referred to as "crunk gunk".)

Some people will break both their arms and continue dancing all night as if nothing has happened. Also, numerous cases have been reported of people dancing so fast that their heart gives in and they drop dead on the dancefloor.

Download: Lil Wayne, "A Milli (Ryszard Kuklinski remix)

At one rave at the end of last year, when the above song was pitched up to +16, three people dropped dead before the track had finished.

Full story over on guardian.co.uk/music.

Tuesday

The new nu-metal



TRC combine the chagrin and angst of hardcore with some grime-style rapping. Read all about it over on guardian.co.uk/music.

By the way, synth-metal poster boys Enter Shikari are now doing dubstep.

Monday

Breaking news: D Double E's favourite Street Fighter character is Sagat



For the latest Bass Odyssey column on thefader.com I had a mole implanted on the Newham Generals' table at the NME Awards, who reported back on the important things like how many cocktail sausages Footsie was eating (the average for the whole night was 48 per hour). The mole (Jack from Friendly Fires) also did a mix of classic house and bleep and stuff, which you can listen to below. Tracklist in comments.







Tuesday

Top five explanations as to what Kanye West might be doing with his head in the lap of his girlfriend, Amber Rose, backstage at London Fashion Week



1. Warming his metallic jaw
2. Licking some cheese and chive dip from her skirt
3. Publicly proving, once and for all, that he is not gay
4. Seeing if she's wearing the limited edition Ed Banger x Cobra Snake x Louis Vuitton knickers that Kid Cudi exclusively designed for Kanye
5. Rummaging for a penis

(Picture half-inched from the Vice fashion blog)

Sunday

Smutlee mix



I got Smutlee to do a short mix of dancehall, funky and garage stuff for the Vice music blog last week. It's real nice. Tracklist in comments.

Download: Smutlee mix

Tuesday

Burnley's buzzin'



The people at VBS recently travelled to Burnley to meet with donk's main man, and a personal hero of mine, MC Grimzie. This guy's like Snow multiplied by Bernard Manning, to the power of that "Louish Walsh" [sic] X Factor guy.

If you haven't heard "Sexy Nun", his X-rated ballad which describes in sickening detail his seduction and rape of a lady of the cloth, I implore you to go and listen to it now. It's utterly offensive in every way. VBS got some footage of him performing an a cappella version of it in a church but it unfortunately didn't make the final cut.

He really is a hero of mine, though. He's a rule breaker, he's a risk taker/ Cookin' up rhymes as quick as a baker (makes bread). Sorry, I just broke into a freestyle rap there. I do apologise.

Thursday


Mistral, "Starship 109"

More Fader blurb this week.

Monday

Attempted murderers' Cribs: part one


Circumcision, aspiring gangster-style.

This just in from my friend Ted: "I've met the attempted murderer in that documentary on your Fader column. I moved into his old house in Clapton Park Estate about eight years ago. He had photos of himself holding knives lying around. Lots of gaunt, wild-eyed people kept calling by asking for him and Transport For London sent about 20 letters addressed to him during the two years I lived there. We found a photo of him posing and put it on the wall as a memento."

London Transport fines, eh? Thish guy'sh more big time than I firsht shushpected.


The rather picturesque estate in question.

To find out more about the house, I asked Ted to come down to the station to help me with my inquiries.

Detective Chief Inspector Prancehall: What was the house like?
Ted: Grey, bars over most of the windows, but big. It had three floors, a big kitchen and living room, and was very cheap. I think I paid about £250 a month.

Fill me in on the general decor.
Erm, it was minimal. When he was still there, there were knives lying around upstairs, and a relaxing scent of weed.

Was it fully furnished?
It had a greeny-beige three-piece-suite, beds and cupboards.

Carpet or a wipeable surface on the floor in the bathroom?
Wipeable laminate surface everywhere except the stairs.

Did you have a garden?
Yep, but never bothered with it.

Was there a mice problem when you moved in?
No sir.

OK, tell me about the inside of the microwave. You can usually tell how clean a house is from the inside of the microwave.
I have never used a microwave.