Which animal does dubstep dude Rusko most look like?

This is Rusko – by the looks of it, not long after a two-hour appointment at Toni & Guy. But which animal does he most resemble?

1. A well-groomed llama


2. A thirsty pig


3. A harassed camel


4. A drenched cat


5. A haggard dog


6. An unkempt llama

The most terrifying music genre the world has ever seen

Colonel Ryszard Kuklinski with Texas A&M cadets

Invented by Ryszard "Crunk King" Kuklinski (the grandson of an infamous Polish Cold War spy of the same name), Crunkczar, which sounds a bit like Polish donk, is a terrifying new genre that makes ravers lose control of their bodies. The drug of choice is a cocktail of carfentanyl, a downer that's approximately 10,000 times more potent than morphine, and Dexedrine, a powerful amphetamine. (Young fans opt for something slightly less harmful: a mixture of Red Bull and sherbert, referred to as "crunk gunk".)

Some people will break both their arms and continue dancing all night as if nothing has happened. Also, numerous cases have been reported of people dancing so fast that their heart gives in and they drop dead on the dancefloor.

Download: Lil Wayne, "A Milli (Ryszard Kuklinski remix)

At one rave at the end of last year, when the above song was pitched up to +16, three people dropped dead before the track had finished.

Full story over on guardian.co.uk/music.

James Corden reviews a noise record

I recently started a new column on the Vice site in which I get one of my many celeb friends to review an album. In the first installment, the hilarious James Corden reviews a noise record on No Fun. The next one will be up by the end of the week.

Andrea Dworkin's least favourite bassline song ever

Full blurb here.

This Saturday

New venue off Curtain Road. Will be fun.

RIP

You may not have known where East Anglia was, but you knew the way into our hearts. You will be dearly missed.

The new nu-metal

TRC combine the chagrin and angst of hardcore with some grime-style rapping. Read all about it over on guardian.co.uk/music.

By the way, synth-metal poster boys Enter Shikari are now doing dubstep.

Breaking news: D Double E's favourite Street Fighter character is Sagat

For the latest Bass Odyssey column on thefader.com I had a mole implanted on the Newham Generals' table at the NME Awards, who reported back on the important things like how many cocktail sausages Footsie was eating (the average for the whole night was 48 per hour). The mole (Jack from Friendly Fires) also did a mix of classic house and bleep and stuff, which you can listen to below. Tracklist in comments.

Top five explanations as to what Kanye West might be doing with his head in the lap of his girlfriend, Amber Rose, backstage at London Fashion Week

1. Warming his metallic jaw
2. Licking some cheese and chive dip from her skirt
3. Publicly proving, once and for all, that he is not gay
4. Seeing if she's wearing the limited edition Ed Banger x Cobra Snake x Louis Vuitton knickers that Kid Cudi exclusively designed for Kanye
5. Rummaging for a penis

(Picture half-inched from the Vice fashion blog)

Smutlee mix

I got Smutlee to do a short mix of dancehall, funky and garage stuff for the Vice music blog last week. It's real nice. Tracklist in comments.

Download: Smutlee mix

Burnley's buzzin'

The people at VBS recently travelled to Burnley to meet with donk's main man, and a personal hero of mine, MC Grimzie. This guy's like Snow multiplied by Bernard Manning, to the power of that "Louish Walsh" [sic] X Factor guy.

If you haven't heard "Sexy Nun", his X-rated ballad which describes in sickening detail his seduction and rape of a lady of the cloth, I implore you to go and listen to it now. It's utterly offensive in every way. VBS got some footage of him performing an a cappella version of it in a church but it unfortunately didn't make the final cut.

He really is a hero of mine, though. He's a rule breaker, he's a risk taker/ Cookin' up rhymes as quick as a baker (makes bread). Sorry, I just broke into a freestyle rap there. I do apologise.

Mistral, "Starship 109"

More Fader blurb this week.

Attempted murderers' Cribs: part one

Circumcision, aspiring gangster-style.

This just in from my friend Ted: "I've met the attempted murderer in that documentary on your Fader column. I moved into his old house in Clapton Park Estate about eight years ago. He had photos of himself holding knives lying around. Lots of gaunt, wild-eyed people kept calling by asking for him and Transport For London sent about 20 letters addressed to him during the two years I lived there. We found a photo of him posing and put it on the wall as a memento."

London Transport fines, eh? Thish guy'sh more big time than I firsht shushpected.


The rather picturesque estate in question.

To find out more about the house, I asked Ted to come down to the station to help me with my inquiries.

Detective Chief Inspector Prancehall: What was the house like?
Ted: Grey, bars over most of the windows, but big. It had three floors, a big kitchen and living room, and was very cheap. I think I paid about £250 a month.

Fill me in on the general decor.
Erm, it was minimal. When he was still there, there were knives lying around upstairs, and a relaxing scent of weed.

Was it fully furnished?
It had a greeny-beige three-piece-suite, beds and cupboards.

Carpet or a wipeable surface on the floor in the bathroom?
Wipeable laminate surface everywhere except the stairs.

Did you have a garden?
Yep, but never bothered with it.

Was there a mice problem when you moved in?
No sir.

OK, tell me about the inside of the microwave. You can usually tell how clean a house is from the inside of the microwave.
I have never used a microwave.

Using a knife for self-defence

Handy tips for what to do if someone pulls a knife on you (cut their throat or stab them through the heart).

See here for some more general tips on how to murder someone with a knife.

Three short mixes by three (possibly) quite tall guys

I've been looking after the Vice site this week so I got Bok Bok, Crazy Cousinz and Jackmaster to do a wee mix each for the music blog. You can get them all here.

Funky beats, sax and divas

Two of my peers, Pierre Schaeffer and Wiley

I have made a funky house remix of "Panty, Bras, Coke and Cameras" by Durrty Goodz. Hope you like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Full story over on thefader.com.

PS: DJs/bloggers/A&Rs/Liberal Democrat MPs who want a 320 kbps MP3, holla at ya boy (that's me).

"My president is black, my Lambo is blue"

My friend Sara was overflowing with music-related Obama puns (some more tenuous than others) on my Facebook page the other day so I thought I'd steal them for here and see if anyone can do any better. Here's what she came up with:

Shola Obama
Baracka Som Sistema
White House Banton
Head of States and Heartbreak

Come up with some more and win a minimum of four years' supply of hope and about four minutes' worth of e-props.

Sniffle, sniffle

The chorus gets me every time.