Apparently this little guy is doing the choreography for Skepta's new video

Best analogies ever written in a high school essay

While perusing my friends' blog, Voodoo Village, I came across a link to a site with the title "Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay". I assume the intention of the site is for people to laugh at how bad these kids' comparisons are but I think some of the analogies are pretty amazing. I am totally ripping them off in the future.

Here are some of my favourites:

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."

"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can."

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

UK hip-hop

"Hi, I'm a total idiot who watched 8 Mile once."

Epic

If only all Usher videos were this good.

Dancehall masochist

I thought the video I posted of the Japanese dancehall fan girl (which has now been removed, unfortunately) was a bit worrying in places, but this is next level. These guys are putting some WCW-style sex pest moves on her. I was expecting the Jamaican Undertaker to come out at any minute and clothesline her before finishing her with a Tombstone Piledriver.

Dirty dog

"I'M PRESSING CHARGES, I'M PRESSING CHARGES, I'M PRESSING CHARGES, I'M PRESSING CHARGES. Where my doo-rag at?"

I think this is my favourite new "Crank Dat" version – just surpassing my previous fave. This lovely young lady even throws in some of Soulja Boy's new single, "Yahhh!", for good measure.

While My Rolex Gently Weeps

Turns out that video yesterday was an elaborate April Fools' Day prank. Here is the official video.

Hang about

I was aimlessly cruising the BBC website today when I came across a familiar face - that of the singer dude from Hot Chip. Turns out he's been making prank calls to the police in Wales. They got his name and sex mixed up, but it's definitely him. Look at the picture above.

"[He] agreed to electrode therapy which left [him] screaming in pain every time [he] dialled the third '9' of 999."

"But the court heard that it failed and [he] rang police claiming a bomb had been planted in [his] local supermarket."

"Prosecutor Richard Ace said [the bloke from Hot Chip] had called police control alleging there was a bomb at the Iceland store in Mountain Ash."

Read the full story here.

Best MySpace scam I've seen in the past hour

MC Jordan D sending a clear message to the people who think they can be in his video without paying

I was sent the following on MySpace by a guy called Jordan D:

"Hi, I have recently recorded a track which features big artists on it such as Mr Wong, Stormin, Lightning, Nasty Jack, Top Kat, Fader and more. I am doing a video shoot for it in about 2 weeks. It's a 1.5 thousand pound shoot and it's defently going on Chan U. I'm letting people stand in da video and get their face seen on TV for 50 quid, as well as meet tha big artists, and other big artists such as DJ Ironik and Nasty Crew and Ghetto will be at da shoot. If ya interested or if ya know anyone who is, holla back.
PS. If u want to hear the trak for the video ask for ma MSN and i'll send ya it."

50 quid to get the chance to be an extra in his video? Where do I sign up??

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"Night" remix by L-Vis 1990. This video is heavy, man. Loving the "vibe". You can almost meditate on its heaviness. Your chest, L-Vis. Your chest.



I've found the new "It's just me on the road, it's just me on the pavement" guy. But this dude is a million times worse.

Bruv, what you sayin'? / It's the word of God that I'm sprayin'

You wait about four years for a new grime anthem, something on the same level as "Pow", and then two come along at once.

Conclusive proof (if any were really needed) that Ashley Cole is gay

It's like looking at a pitbull in a wig. I bet he just got "her" to stick that big beady diamante bracelet up his bum or send a few texts to the mobile phone that is already stuck up there.

"Shout out to Burger King"

I'm pretty over the really bad, cringeworthy jokes about Big Brother so I didn't want to mention it this year. But my friend sent me this clip of Harry Hill's TV Burp and pointed me to 03:50, where Calista is in the studio performing. Have a look. "I love to play my bongos in the morrrrnnning" – that has to be the biggest vocal hook ever. If this gets released it's gonna be like DJ NG's "Tell Me" multiplied by "Pow" to the power of T2. Look out for the Styleslut feature on it in Pimp Magazine in 2010.



Try to ignore Big Narstie's freestyle here but listen out for the constant jibes from Westwood ("Shout out to Burger King" etc.) and look at everyone else's reaction around him. It's basically like the fat kid at school getting picked on. Quite sad really.

Erm... hello?????

Are people honestly trying to tell me grime is dead when there is quality stuff like this still being made?

Shexy time

BRAND NEW CHIPMUNK VIDEO FEAT. DOUBLE S, ICE KID, BRUTAL, GRIMINAL AND WILEY!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Did anyone see Virgin School on Channel 4 on the weekend just gone (or when they first showed it about seven months ago)? Watch a little clip up there. Yep. And I thought the new series of Dubplate Drama made me cringe a lot. For me the most disturbing thing wasn't that a television station was severely taking advantage of a 26-year-old virgin with learning difficulties who had no social skills, was dressed by his gran and wore two pairs of pants. It was the fact his full time job was a paper boy for his local free newspaper. That's something 11-year-olds do for a bit of pocket money and an occassional free Mars bar. Why would he ever think that was a viable career?



It gets a lot more disturbing later on. The worst is when he finally has "shex" with one of the "teachers" in Amsterdam. Seeing him slide over her like a little worm climbing over a piece of dog mess is about as grim a sight as I've seen on TV in a while. Read a piece on the Guardian blog where his friends and family add some comments. They are repeating it soon I fink.



This just from my friend James Pearson-Howes: "I was going through some old photos the other day and I found this list from a fashion shoot in with them. It made me laugh for some reason. Ears isn't sure whether he is a 10 or 11."

I'm not sure if "Foot" is an actual person or if someone is just saying their foot is a size 12/13. Anyway, stay tuned for more amazing stuff like this. Next week: Neckle Camp's waist sizes.

Roll another phat one, Dave

I got sent the following today by a young lady called Sarah Hay:
"Hey, you'll appreciate this one for a few laughs. Check the new dance craze that's come out of the techno scene in France called tecktonik - it's hilarious. It came out of the banlieues and all the teenagers in France are getting into it. This whole thing started in a hard techno club just outside of Paris. Pretty much like any other hard techno club across the world except these ravers developed the vogueing element."

"The kids battle like hip-hop but the funny thing is that as it's spread to the other big cities like Lyon, Nantes and Lille all the hip-hop kids are going, "Wha-attt the fuck is this?!"



"This is a clip of tecktonik kids battling hip-hop kids who just crack up at first but then they try to match them. France is the biggest consumer and producer of hip-hop in the world after the USA. Outside of central Paris it's still as huge as ever so when suddenly the techno kids are doing this crazy, crazy dance in the schoolyards the hip-hop fans have got a lot to say about it."

Someone totally needs to get David LaChapelle to strap a dead rat to his head, whip on a skin-tight T-shirt and get out there to do a documentary.

Dubstep Dance Demonstration

Someone sent me a link to this video called "Dubstep Dance Demonstration". It's a demonstration of how you dance to dubstep. Apparently this is what it's like now when you go to FWD>>. I also heard if you don't do this dance all night at DMZ then you are politely escorted out of the club and the bouncer steals your weed.

Cream cheese bagel and a sausage roll

Last night was pretty good. It really is great being in London when no one is around. The streets were empty all night. Catch has the shittiest soundsystem in the world and none of their equipment works but it was fun. I DJed there till 2 AM and then went to the Russian bar on Kingsland Road for some after hours boozing. I saw there was no one on the decks so I asked the owner if I could play. He agreed on the condition that I didn't play any garage, hip-hop, dancehall or funky house. I played "Mr Bean", "Tell Me", some tracks off that JTJ Productions EP and a new El-B song before I got bored and headed to the bagel shop on Brick Lane (the yellow one, not the other one that everyone seems to go to). I was just leaving when a car pulled up on the pavement outside and out jumped Jammer looking more drunk than I was. Watch the video. The bit in the middle where the camera goes crazy is when he fell flat on his back mid apple turnover munch.

Pull my finger

Vice posted an interview with girl rapper Riskay on their blog yesterday. I came across her "Smell Yo Dick" track randomly before I went to NY but forgot to post it up. Possibly the most ridiculous song of the year. Riskay's not actually that bad. She had a good song called "Brand New Money" with DG Yola on the Fear Factor Florida mixtape from earlier this year. Anyway, here is the full interview:

Vice: Why do you think "Smell Yo Dick" has taken off?
Riskay: I think it's because a lot of women have thought about it but they never had the nerve to do it, and now they don't have to be ashamed to try it. A lot of men cheat because they can get away with it, but I feel like if a man knows a woman will go to that extent [dick-smelling], they probably won't cheat. Men have degraded women and acted like we're stupid for so many years, and they come up with songs about cheating, so why can't I just represent women? This is how I feel, this is what I've been through.

How many times have you smelled a dick?
Once, when I was younger. I had a guy that was cheating on me. You know, always coming home about five o'clock in the morning, always trying to make up excuses. He's out with his boys. I'm like, "Hey if you're not cheating, let me smell it."

And he let you?
Yeah. He was confident in himself, as if I'm stupid and I don't know what latex smells like. It smelled like... it had condom smell.

Couldn't you just smell his hands, or his face?
Yeah, you could smell his hands or his face-if you wanna be disgusting. I would prefer to smell his dick than taste some other chick in his mouth.

I think a lot of women would be afraid to just ask outright. Any tips on how to get him to offer up the goods?
If you feel like your man might cuss you out and try to get violent with you if you ask, then act like you're gonna give him some head and just smell it.

What if you smelled a guy's dick and it smelled like saliva? Would that be as bad?
You know, if it smells like stank breath, that's wrong too. A lot of men are like "Oh, she just gave me head," and I'm like "OK, that's cheatin."

What if he thought ahead and took a shower before coming home? You could be fooled.
If he's been out all day, he shouldn't smell like soap. I was talking with a male rapper friend, and he said "What I do is take baby wipes and clean myself before I get home," and then another guy told me he just let his thing out and rolled the windows down in the car so his dick could air out.

I love picturing that. Do you worry that with your song being heard so much, maybe men will wise up and everyone will carry baby wipes or let their dick air out in the car, and then smelling it will be ruined for women everywhere?
When I first did the song, a lot of my man friends were like "You're giving females too much information! You're giving them bad, bad ideas. This is wrong." A lot of men don't like it, probably because they're cheating. They think "Oh my God, this is for real. She done put females up on somethin' and we in trouble now."

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Download: DVA feat. Badness - Prancehall Dub



Here is the Badness track from my mixtape. I need to get some new beats off DVA like this one I think.