14 reasons why the new Burial album isn't as good as everyone says it is
1. I was in a shop on Carnaby Street today and I heard a girl telling her friend that for Christmas she had bought her little brother "a box set of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps and a copy of the Burial album."
2. Every song sounds the same
3. Keeping your identity secret is gay unless you are me
4. It sounds like Enya doing dubstep
5. The first album was better
6. The best song he's made this year ("Unite") wasn't even on the album
7. The picture on the cover looks like something an autistic 12 year-old UK hip-hop fan from Luton would draw at an after school art class and then plan to print on a T-shirt (but never actually get round to doing it)
8. The drums are too awkward
9. People get really precious when I slag it off
10. No one sent me a free copy
11. One of the tracks is called "In McDonalds", which is actually a good name but considering he calls most songs things like "Archangel" and "Ghost Hardware" makes it look totally out of place and achingly forced: "I make music that reflects true British urban culture".
12. He has repeatedly told people he has no idea how to produce
13. In 20 years, when people look back at dubstep this will be the album that people most remember and will probably be cited as "dubstep's Timeless" or something.
14. Because I fucking said so, OK?