A braptastical review

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There's a review of my mixtape in the new RWD, and no, your eyes aren't deceiving you, they gave my mixtape 3/5. Yep, 3/5. I mean, WTF? I've got Jammer MCing over Britney Spears, Busy Signal and Mavado murdering a Lewi White tune, Slew Dem going over a song from the Bugsy Malone soundtrack and Ce'Cile rapping about my stick, and all they can think to mention is the intro? Also, what do they mean "the odd exclusive"? It's about 80 per cent exclusive, never-to-be-released stuff. I would have been insulted if it was only given 5/5. It's at least a 6 or 7 out of 5. If they want to know how to do reviews, why don't I do a review of the latest issue of their magazine?


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Let's start on the letters page. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is embarrassing. No one bothered to write in this month, so they had to print some uninteresting staff emails and random spam? Imagine how that looks when an advertiser picks up the magazine. You're sending out a message that none of your readers give you any feedback, i.e. no one cares about what you write. A very, very weird thing to do. You could have at least faked some letters to save some face. Oh, and re: the Kano letter above - Kano was supposed to do the Peaches Geldof interview thing, but he wasn't up for it so they got Ghetto instead. It's a bit like when Popworld wanted to interview Kano in a canoe and he said no, which was funny, but I'm not sure the world needed to know about this.


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This is usually one of my favourite pages. Every month DJ Semtex posts some pictures of himself standing in the exact same pose next to famous people, talks about playing at different places around the world, and, without fail, mentions something about DJing for Dizzee Rascal ("we played five songs and the crowd thought that four of them was a lot and for the other one the speaker must have been broken, innit"). With this page, you know what you're getting every month, so it's hard to be moved by it, but one thing in particular really disturbed me. It was this sentence: "I linked with Dave Grohl from Nirvana / Foo Fighters. He is [one] of the hottest drummers in the game." It's not just the obvious fact that Dave Grohl is a fucking maggot sent to earth to be worshipped by the Jo Whileys of this world, it's the ridiculous way Semtex says it. Why is there a need for the hip-hop speak in every sentence? It reads like a parody of what someone thinks a hip-hop DJ would say. Get me? Brapple!


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The single worst thing about this issue was the amount of soft porn that has suddenly appeared. Why do all the female house DJs either have their tits out or are sucking on their finger? Are they trying to corner the lads mag market? If so, they are too late for that - no one buys lads mags anymore. On average, there must be tits on every three or four pages, which makes for pretty uncomfortable reading on a packed tube.

That's all I have time for right now. I won't bother to give a score I don't think. If anyone thinks I'm wrong, post me a comment and tell me why. Maybe it was a bit harsh, but... 3/5? You know... I'm not saying, I'm just saying.