I don't think the world has seen enough lists this year, so just before the death knell sounds for 2008, I am putting up some more.
JACK FROM FRIENDLY FIRES' TOP FIVE THINGS HE REGRETS SAYING TO TINCHY STRYDER WHILE ON TOUR WITH THE DIMINUTIVE GRIME MC
5. What's your favourite Radiohead song?
4. Do you wanna hear some bars I wrote? Hmmm, OK, I'll tell you anyway: "Been spitting lyrics since the day I was born/I'm 60 per cent brains and 200 per cent brawn".
3. No, no, no... the batsman can't be out LBW if the ball pitches outside leg stump, idiot.
2. Your nails are very well kept. Have you had a manicure?
1. Have you ever considered getting Fuda to carry you onto the stage in a papoose? JOKE!
RICKY BLAZE'S TOP FIVE REASONS WHY HE DOES NOT BLAZE*
1. "I am a diabetic"
2. "I don't want black lips"
3. "I'm scared of possible complications in the future"
4. "I have many young fans and I wouldn't have them on my side anymore if I smoked
5. "It's just not for me"
*Smoke "da weed"
MY TOP THREE PREDICTIONS FOR GENRES THAT WILL BE ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE IN 2009
3. Rwandan house – This crude and unlistenable genre will see the blog world's fascination with obscure dance music made by men in third world countries taken to new extremes. The producers are all former Rwandan child soldiers who have tortured and maimed any local journalists that have tried to interview them. An international blogger expedition to Kigali is arranged by the ILWM messageboard with a disturbing and brutal outcome. A renowned ethnomusicologist becomes the first martyr of the "global ghettotech" scene when he is captured and beheaded by the teenage founder of Rwandan house, Deejay Groovayman (who later features on MIA's new album). In terms of sonics, think: DJ Znobia meets the war cries of Colonel Theoneste Bagosora.
2. Bhangra donk – This scene will sprout from Tigerstyle's understated and tasteful rework of MC Grimzie's abhorrently offensive "Sexy Nun", entitled "Sexy Naan". At first, the scene will be marred by a massive racial divide, with mass brawls between white and Asian teens commonplace on the dancefloors of Wigan Pier nightspots, but it will eventually be hailed as the new 2 Tone. Ministry will commission Bobby Friction & Nihal to put together a compilation. No one will buy it.
1. Kwindie – Kwaito meets indie. This is currently happening as I type. Jack Penate is working with DJ Mujava (who apparently was unable to do anything musical in the studio until he had downed 15 cans of Red Stripe). Towards the end of 2009, Kate Nash will announce her plans for a whole album of kwindie. In an unfortunate genre mix up, an A&R at her record label puts her on a plane to Rwanda to go and work with Deejay Groovayman. She never returns.
