The most terrifying music genre the world has ever seen

Colonel Ryszard Kuklinski with Texas A&M cadets

Invented by Ryszard "Crunk King" Kuklinski (the grandson of an infamous Polish Cold War spy of the same name), Crunkczar, which sounds a bit like Polish donk, is a terrifying new genre that makes ravers lose control of their bodies. The drug of choice is a pharmacy technician cocktail of carfentanyl, a downer that's approximately 10,000 times more potent than morphine, and Dexedrine, a powerful amphetamine. (Young fans opt for something slightly less harmful: a mixture of Red Bull and sherbert, referred to as "crunk gunk".)

Some people will break both their arms and continue dancing all night as if nothing has happened. Also, numerous cases have been reported of people dancing so fast that their heart gives in and they drop dead on the dancefloor.

Download: Lil Wayne, "A Milli (Ryszard Kuklinski remix)

At one rave at the end of last year, when the above song was pitched up to +16, three people dropped dead before the track had finished.

Full story over on guardian.co.uk/music.

Burnley's buzzin'

The people at VBS recently travelled to Burnley to meet with donk's main man, and a personal hero of mine, MC Grimzie. This guy's like Snow multiplied by Bernard Manning, to the power of that "Louish Walsh" [sic] X Factor guy.

If you haven't heard "Sexy Nun", his X-rated ballad which describes in sickening detail his seduction and rape of a lady of the cloth, I implore you to go and listen to it now. It's utterly offensive in every way. VBS got some footage of him performing an a cappella version of it in a church but it unfortunately didn't make the final cut.

He really is a hero of mine, though. He's a rule breaker, he's a risk taker/ Cookin' up rhymes as quick as a baker (makes bread). Sorry, I just broke into a freestyle rap there. I do apologise.

Some more lists

I don't think the world has seen enough lists this year, so just before the death knell sounds for 2008, I am putting up some more.

JACK FROM FRIENDLY FIRES' TOP FIVE THINGS HE REGRETS SAYING TO TINCHY STRYDER WHILE ON TOUR WITH THE DIMINUTIVE GRIME MC
5. What's your favourite Radiohead song?
4. Do you wanna hear some bars I wrote? Hmmm, OK, I'll tell you anyway: "Been spitting lyrics since the day I was born/I'm 60 per cent brains and 200 per cent brawn".
3. No, no, no... the batsman can't be out LBW if the ball pitches outside leg stump, idiot.
2. Your nails are very well kept. Have you had a manicure?
1. Have you ever considered getting Fuda to carry you onto the stage in a papoose? JOKE!

RICKY BLAZE'S TOP FIVE REASONS WHY HE DOES NOT BLAZE*
1. "I am a diabetic"
2. "I don't want black lips"
3. "I'm scared of possible complications in the future"
4. "I have many young fans and I wouldn't have them on my side anymore if I smoked
5. "It's just not for me"

*Smoke "da weed"

MY TOP THREE PREDICTIONS FOR GENRES THAT WILL BE ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE IN 2009
3. Rwandan house – This crude and unlistenable genre will see the blog world's fascination with obscure dance music made by men in third world countries taken to new extremes. The producers are all former Rwandan child soldiers who have tortured and maimed any local journalists that have tried to interview them. An international blogger expedition to Kigali is arranged by the ILWM messageboard with a disturbing and brutal outcome. A renowned ethnomusicologist becomes the first martyr of the "global ghettotech" scene when he is captured and beheaded by the teenage founder of Rwandan house, Deejay Groovayman (who later features on MIA's new album). In terms of sonics, think: DJ Znobia meets the war cries of Colonel Theoneste Bagosora.
2. Bhangra donk – This scene will sprout from Tigerstyle's understated and tasteful rework of MC Grimzie's abhorrently offensive "Sexy Nun", entitled "Sexy Naan". At first, the scene will be marred by a massive racial divide, with mass brawls between white and Asian teens commonplace on the dancefloors of Wigan Pier nightspots, but it will eventually be hailed as the new 2 Tone. Ministry will commission Bobby Friction & Nihal to put together a compilation. No one will buy it.
1. Kwindie – Kwaito meets indie. This is currently happening as I type. Jack Penate is working with DJ Mujava (who apparently was unable to do anything musical in the studio until he had downed 15 cans of Red Stripe). Towards the end of 2009, Kate Nash will announce her plans for a whole album of kwindie. In an unfortunate genre mix up, an A&R at her record label puts her on a plane to Rwanda to go and work with Deejay Groovayman. She never returns.

What's it gonna be like, what's it gonna be like for your kids goin' out and playin' at night?

OK so asylum seekers take our jobs, our dentists and, er, our kids' virginities? Surely everyone knows that all paedophiles are white. Has anyone ever seen a non-white paedophile?

PS. The anti-war message at the end is utterly brilliant. Bring back the boys, bring back the boys, wucka-wucka-br-br-bring back the boys!

Phat

New Blackout Crew. It's a good one. The opening scenes are a bit like a Crimewatch reconstruction.

We're better than all that riff-raff / All Blackout Posse don't chit-chat / Our posse shake your Tic-Tac / If not, have a break, have a Kit-Kat

Introducing... Bolton's inimitable Blackout Crew, the bastard child(ren) of hard house, drum & bass MCing, Jive Bunny and Tesco Value hair gel. Is it me or does the guy who does the second verse really look like Little Kev from the Kersal Massive?

Anyway, look out for them at a couple of pHaT rAveS in the near future. Apparently they're big in Wigan.