Attempted murderers' Cribs: part one

Circumcision, aspiring gangster-style.

This just in from my friend Ted: "I've met the attempted murderer in that documentary on your Fader column. I moved into his old house in Clapton Park Estate about eight years ago. He had photos of himself holding knives lying around. Lots of gaunt, wild-eyed people kept calling by asking for him and Transport For London sent about 20 letters addressed to him during the two years I lived there. We found a photo of him posing and put it on the wall as a memento."

London Transport fines, eh? Thish guy'sh more big time than I firsht shushpected.


The rather picturesque estate in question.

To find out more about the house, I asked Ted to come down to the station to help me with my inquiries.

Detective Chief Inspector Prancehall: What was the house like?
Ted: Grey, bars over most of the windows, but big. It had three floors, a big kitchen and living room, and was very cheap. I think I paid about £250 a month.

Fill me in on the general decor.
Erm, it was minimal. When he was still there, there were knives lying around upstairs, and a relaxing scent of weed.

Was it fully furnished?
It had a greeny-beige three-piece-suite, beds and cupboards.

Carpet or a wipeable surface on the floor in the bathroom?
Wipeable laminate surface everywhere except the stairs.

Did you have a garden?
Yep, but never bothered with it.

Was there a mice problem when you moved in?
No sir.

OK, tell me about the inside of the microwave. You can usually tell how clean a house is from the inside of the microwave.
I have never used a microwave.