Speechless (well, almost)

Erm, not meaning to ruin any "vibes" or anything but if this is the official video for "Night" then congratulations Tempa, you have just completely killed the song. A CGI dancing squid? I've used iMovie once and I am pretty sure I could do something more interesting.



This is by some guys called sMoKio & DB. The video looks like it was recorded in the back of a car using the built-in camera on someone's Mac. Listen out for the voiceover from one of the Kersal Massive around 1:15.

Bruv, what you sayin'? / It's the word of God that I'm sprayin'

You wait about four years for a new grime anthem, something on the same level as "Pow", and then two come along at once.

Conclusive proof (if any were really needed) that Ashley Cole is gay

It's like looking at a pitbull in a wig. I bet he just got "her" to stick that big beady diamante bracelet up his bum or send a few texts to the mobile phone that is already stuck up there.

Chockablock @ Egg

Come to this tomorrow night. This is easily the best lineup there has ever been at Egg. Although who remembers when they did Haywire Sessions vs. FWD>> there about 5 years ago where Oris Jay, Benny Ill, Landslide and Hatcha played? Nah, this is still better I think. For full details go here. For cheap entry email clubchockablock@msn.com.

"Shout out to Burger King"

I'm pretty over the really bad, cringeworthy jokes about Big Brother so I didn't want to mention it this year. But my friend sent me this clip of Harry Hill's TV Burp and pointed me to 03:50, where Calista is in the studio performing. Have a look. "I love to play my bongos in the morrrrnnning" – that has to be the biggest vocal hook ever. If this gets released it's gonna be like DJ NG's "Tell Me" multiplied by "Pow" to the power of T2. Look out for the Styleslut feature on it in Pimp Magazine in 2010.



Try to ignore Big Narstie's freestyle here but listen out for the constant jibes from Westwood ("Shout out to Burger King" etc.) and look at everyone else's reaction around him. It's basically like the fat kid at school getting picked on. Quite sad really.

Erm... hello?????

Are people honestly trying to tell me grime is dead when there is quality stuff like this still being made?

Mavado interview

Photo by Jamie-James Medina

Here is a short interview I did with Mavado after his Stratford Rex show at the end of last year.

Prancehall: I heard you first started singing in public in church when you were a kid. Did you have a good voice back then?
Mavado: Definitely. I have a good voice now, so I must have a good voice back then.

Were you using your "Gangster for life" catchphrase at church in those days?
No.

What's the situation with you and Vybz Kartel?
Well the situation with me and Vybz Kartel, that kind of gone for along the while so I don't really talk about that any more.

Okay. Are you selective about the producers you will work with? You seem to have done a lot of work with Stephen McGregor.
Daseca – my management team, my producing team - they are the ones who do most of my riddims, you know what I mean? And then you've got Stephen [McGregor] so it's like a family so every time they've got a big riddim they know I'm the one to take it off to another level. Every time they've got a big rhythm they call Mavado.

You could have covered your album with collaborations from much bigger dancehall artists and I'm pretty sure it would have sold a lot more. Why did you decide against that?
Well, I could've had more guests on it but this is my first album and I think the people wanna hear more about Mavado, from Mavado, you understand? So that's why I even done this album with so many of my songs.

Is there anyone you would like to work with?
Well, a lot of producers like Sly and Robbie and all those people, and right now I'm really getting together to work with Sly & Robbie. You know, I'm already in the international market by doing some songs with international artists like Foxy Brown and Akon and Busta Rhymes for his album, and Wyclef, Uncle Murda and so many more, you know what I mean?

After blowing up rhythms like Red Bull & Guinness, you must get a lot of people these days asking you to vocal their rhythms...
People always try to approach me with money to do songs for them, but if I nuh like the riddim, if it nuh sound like my kind of riddim, if it nuh sound like my kind of thing and all of that, then me nuh go voice no matter how much you have, 'cos I'm not a person that cheat the music.

That's very noble. Tell me about your upbringing.
Well, you dun know, we from the gully – Kingston, Jamaica, Cassava Piece, Kingston 8, Kingston great, you know what I mean? Growing up now from the gully and ting, life hard, you know? But we still have to pull through and we have to still make it through life and came out to be a better man today. Cassava piece is a ghetto. It's just like you hear about Jungle and all of these places, and Tivoli Gardens and all of that. It's just one whole ghetto, that's why we say "Gully side." You know, 'cos it's just one gully side.

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MP3: Lewi White feat. Busy Signal & Mavado - Vice Dub

Shexy time

BRAND NEW CHIPMUNK VIDEO FEAT. DOUBLE S, ICE KID, BRUTAL, GRIMINAL AND WILEY!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Did anyone see Virgin School on Channel 4 on the weekend just gone (or when they first showed it about seven months ago)? Watch a little clip up there. Yep. And I thought the new series of Dubplate Drama made me cringe a lot. For me the most disturbing thing wasn't that a television station was severely taking advantage of a 26-year-old virgin with learning difficulties who had no social skills, was dressed by his gran and wore two pairs of pants. It was the fact his full time job was a paper boy for his local free newspaper. That's something 11-year-olds do for a bit of pocket money and an occassional free Mars bar. Why would he ever think that was a viable career?



It gets a lot more disturbing later on. The worst is when he finally has "shex" with one of the "teachers" in Amsterdam. Seeing him slide over her like a little worm climbing over a piece of dog mess is about as grim a sight as I've seen on TV in a while. Read a piece on the Guardian blog where his friends and family add some comments. They are repeating it soon I fink.



This just from my friend James Pearson-Howes: "I was going through some old photos the other day and I found this list from a fashion shoot in with them. It made me laugh for some reason. Ears isn't sure whether he is a 10 or 11."

I'm not sure if "Foot" is an actual person or if someone is just saying their foot is a size 12/13. Anyway, stay tuned for more amazing stuff like this. Next week: Neckle Camp's waist sizes.

Roll another phat one, Dave

I got sent the following today by a young lady called Sarah Hay:
"Hey, you'll appreciate this one for a few laughs. Check the new dance craze that's come out of the techno scene in France called tecktonik - it's hilarious. It came out of the banlieues and all the teenagers in France are getting into it. This whole thing started in a hard techno club just outside of Paris. Pretty much like any other hard techno club across the world except these ravers developed the vogueing element."

"The kids battle like hip-hop but the funny thing is that as it's spread to the other big cities like Lyon, Nantes and Lille all the hip-hop kids are going, "Wha-attt the fuck is this?!"



"This is a clip of tecktonik kids battling hip-hop kids who just crack up at first but then they try to match them. France is the biggest consumer and producer of hip-hop in the world after the USA. Outside of central Paris it's still as huge as ever so when suddenly the techno kids are doing this crazy, crazy dance in the schoolyards the hip-hop fans have got a lot to say about it."

Someone totally needs to get David LaChapelle to strap a dead rat to his head, whip on a skin-tight T-shirt and get out there to do a documentary.

Thoughts

Is it just me or does Eminem look like Brian Dowling (of Big Brother fame) these days?



This Benga album, Diary of an Afro Warrior, is pretty jazzy in places. Some of it sounds a bit like the soundtrack to a really epic soft porn film. In theory, I should really hate it but it's so different from what I was expecting that I think I like it. Btw, did I ever mention that "Night" sounds a bit like a pigeon being gently prodded by a nail?

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Here is a very short Mavado interview by me translated into Italian. You can't say I don't cater for you lucky 0.2 per cent who accidentally stumble across this blog in between looking for pizza recipes, cheap slip-on brogues, Roberto Cavalli thongs, Brylcreem and cures for crabs (only joking about the last one).

Dubstep Dance Demonstration

Someone sent me a link to this video called "Dubstep Dance Demonstration". It's a demonstration of how you dance to dubstep. Apparently this is what it's like now when you go to FWD>>. I also heard if you don't do this dance all night at DMZ then you are politely escorted out of the club and the bouncer steals your weed.

"Content"

Ahhh, man. If I was doing one of those mood updates on MySpace right now my mood would be "disappointed". I mean, you'd think you could have a good web beef these days but I guess not. I remember Me vs. Chantelle Fiddy. Now that was amazing. Halcyon days. Even Hattie Collins put up a good showing. But this Lady Boom Ting Bumperella and Donald Duck pair at Styleslut have really let everyone down. The thing is, there's two of them so I thought they might be able to come up with at least some funny stuff. I'm not saying I was expecting a Mighty Crown vs. Rodigan type thing (I would be Rodigan obviously) but I was thinking it might be a bit of a contest. I can't even bring myself to give any reply to their half-arsed post. It's a bit like when Beenie Man clashed Tony Matterhorn at the final ever World Clash last year and Matterhorn played some dubs from Beenie's ex-wife and Beenie had nothing good at all to reply with. Oh well.

(As an aside: I see Logan has a Mighty Crown drop - he played it on his show tonight.)

Jammer meets the singer from Bloc Party

If you can think of a good caption or pun for this picture you win a night out raving to funky house at Purple E3 with Styleslut.

Lots of lists and lots of shit

Remember that Dizzee / Nike thing where he had to run about a bit and they paid him loads of money? Well, they are broadcasting it next Thursday. Click that video thingy there to see the trailer and find out when it's on. People run about a bit and then Dizzee does a set at the end. I'm actually in there too, don'tcha know? I played some records while the people ran about in the trials. There's a bit where you almost see me. Look out for it.



Styleslut have posted loads of end of year lists. Why does everyone always do lists at the end of the year? No one gives a shit and it never actually represents anything from the first half of the year because no one can be bothered to remember back that far. Lists are gay. That means I'm gay, you're gay, everyone is gay. Anyway, here is their list. It's called "Ten reasons why grime is dead."

1. Dizzee Rascal doesn’t make grime.

2. Kano thinks working with Damon Albarn and Kate Nash is edgy and diverse.

3. Lethal B can’t stop milking white people for every last drop of their indie swagger.

4. Parisian designer JCDC thinks grime artists are exciting.

5. The most popular grime DJ in the country makes t-shirts that say ‘grime is dead’.

6. Jammer's dreads are slightly too long. Short twists a la Kele Bloc Party would be far more fetching.

7. No grime artist has ever been shot nine times.

8. Downloading grime mixtapes for free seems like too much fucking effort.

9. Wiley argues with children on the Rewind magazine message board.

10. Everyone likes house, dubstep, niche etc now, anyways.

The best way to shit on something that is shit is to do something that is also shit, i.e. write another list. Here is my list:

8 reasons why Styleslut's list is shit

1. No one apart from NME journalists uses the word "swagger".

2. No one apart from NME journalists uses the word "edgy".

3. Wiley doesn't always argue with children on the RWD forum. Sometimes the people he argues with are adults, but they are just writing like children 'cos it's more urban, innit.

4. No one is allowed to slag off grime because it makes Logan Sama upset.

5. Writing a list with the purpose of trying your hardest to be offensive about something is only something I am allowed to do.

6. Sure, no grime artist has ever been shot nine times but Crazy Titch did shoot someone and shooting someone is a lot better than being shot.

7. When you said everyone likes house, you linked to that DJ NG video I posted. Stop fucking stealing links off me and then going and pitching articles to stuff like Don't Panic Magazine. They don't even pay people.

8. Jammer's dreads could never be too long.

Maximum Mumdance (see what I did there?)

MP3: DJ Venom - Maximum Carnage

I forgot to post this last year but this is a great mix from my friend DJ Venom. It has loads of good bassline stuff and he hasn't ripped any dodgy mp3s out of other people's mixes like I see a lot of people doing (go and buy the record you fucking tramps - what happened to buying stuff you like?). There's also some excloose DJ Assault and Starkey and Drop The Lime and other stuff like that. Tracklist in the comments. Download here.



When my friend Jack (Mumdance) was at Jammer's on Xmas eve, he got him to do a quick 16 on an unofficial re-edit he did of Diplo's Black Lips remix. Download the song here. Says Jack: "I was supposed to meet Jammer in the studio he has in his basement. We turned up and his mum answered the door and said he hadn't come home from the rave he'd been at night the before so we ended up picking him up from some girl's house on the other side of town. When we got back, like an hour later, he had to do the bars in one take as he had to run off and make an appearance at his 16-year-old cousin's birthday party. The song is about religion, which gave Jammer the chance to start preaching: "God made you a diamond, he wants to see you bling / He don't wanna see you in a bin / Or drunk on a bench with a gin."

Do homeless alcoholic guys drink gin? I guess they drink anything they can get their hands on.

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I didn't actually DJ on NYE in the end. I was going to play this though, even though I was on about two hours after midnight. It's "Heartbroken" with a countdown and the chimes of big ben added, made by Toddla T. Maybe next year.